Blended, Lesbian Family

When I knew I was separating for my ex-husband, there were a lot of unknowns. All kinds. Was I really THAT gay? How would I meet women? How would my ex-husband and I schedule and share the kids? How would they do? Where would I live? The list went on and on. I even asked myself how I would feel when baby daddy moved on and added to his clan and gave my kids step or half siblings. I assumed he’d eventually have more kids or get with a girl who had her own. One thing I absolutely never considered was me settling down with some cute single mom.

At the time I was certain I was in the severe minority of lesbians. I mean, I married a dude and had babies with him. Kinda silly to worry about, but that’s where I was. Now, I’d say I know more lesbians that have dated, married and/or even bred with fellas, so yeah, lesbian single moms of all sorts of backgrounds are a thing. Duh. I’m one. My gf is one.

With that in mind, together we are tackling the thing that many fear, and neither of us planned for or expected at all – parenting together all blended family style.

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The idea of it is positively daunting. Terra’s oldest is in Jr. High. Once she hits High School, we will consistently have a kind in high school for the next 12 years consecutively. My youngest is in Pre-K now. That means 13 more years of packing lunches, homework, field trips, fundraising, and PTA. We just finished football season for one, but now he’s started chorus, and another is about to begin basketball. Spring will bring soccer and baseball and lord knows what else. We literally have decades of little league and recitals ahead of us. Plus they are all feral and can NEVER all be satisfied with the same meal, on the same day.

To re-cap, two sane-presenting, lesbian mothers decided to shack up after only months of even knowing each other to accomplish shit that is already a struggle with four of the strangest, sassiest little darlings on the planet. Go us, amirite?

The reality is it’s really fucking amazing. I mean it. Sure two days ago I had to put the kibosh on some outdoor activities because one threw a baseball at another (unprepared) one, and kid b strongly considered choking out kid a…. Well, until queen of the children decided this was not acceptable and with the help of her loyal maiden shut it all down. But then yesterday one of the troublesome brothers insisted on helping his “little sister” with all of her homework. I walked in to see this. My heart melted and I once again knew we were all in exactly the right place.

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Happy Coming Out Day

happy-1It’s Coming Out Day! I’ve officially been out for over a year and some months now and I genuinely couldn’t be happier. I’m not saying it’s all sunshine and roses all day, errday, but I’ll never regret living my authentic life. It’s definitely been worth dealing with the shitty things that have been said or done to me. In honor of today, I give you my list of the best things to happen since I came out.

  1. I live an authentic life.
  2. I routinely get to serve as “safe place” for others who want to come out or just ask questions without judgement. (Seriously. People message, text, and email me often. If you need an ear to listen, PLEASE feel free.
  3. My entire life makes more sense. Including my childhood and teenage years…
  4. In my own small way, I am helping to normalize the LGBTQ+ community
  5. Pride. It’s fun. I get to go and live freely. In the last calendar year alone, I attended three pride festivals, two pride cruises, and one pride parade.prideseattle-pride
  6. Maybe just a few people on this silly planet are learning a bit about love and tolerance.
  7. My friendships got realer. I may have lost a few, but I also gained plenty. The ones that stuck it out are the real deal.7-my-friendships-got-realer
  8. My kids know love is love is love. And they live and see that every day.8-my-kids-know-love-is-love-is-love
  9. I have the most honest and respectful relationship with my ex-husband that I’ve ever had.
  10. I met the love of my life.10-i-met-the-of-my-life

What’s your experience been? Feel free to share your story!

‘Member Me?

If you have followed me and or my blogging at all, you know this one thing neva-eva changes: Sometimes I have a lot of shit going on and don’t write.

I told you I won Tinder, so as a lesbian, naturally that means I needed to move in with her as soon as possible. Nope. Not kidding.u-haul

So as you can imagine, planning, packing, moving, job hunting, interviewing, daycare searching and touring, school registering and touring, etc. and so on take up a considerable about of time. During this time, nothing in the world has been more important than just being and allowing all of us to adjust and assimilate and enjoy our new life rolling 6 deep.

All four kids are strong. All four are crazy. All four are stubborn and silly and vain and sometimes selfish. They are also fun and sweet and kind and loving. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing how much they take care of each other and just genuinely adore each other. I’m not saying that none of them every throw a punch or yell or send their mothers rushing toward the wine rack at exactly 8:10. I’m just saying they love and we are building a really beautiful life. I may not have written damn near anything all summer, but I had the most amazing summer.

That Time I Won Tinder

Last time I told you all about how I was a boss ass bitch at Tinder. Now I get to prove it, because guess what, I went on a date with a total stranger that I met on the app. And guess what else; She is totally real and didn’t murder me or anything. #winning

If you don’t happen to know me in real life, I’ll cut to the chase. We’re still dating. It’s actually been over a month and half or so now. But she is more of a private-facebook-and-instagram-profiles-and-really-no-other-social-media kind of girl, so I have been maintaining and respecting her privacy the very best I can. (PS this is really effing hard bc I am addicted to social media, taking pictures, writing, AND talking.) That said, you guys, my attempt at trying to have a nice, cool, impressive date with a really captivating woman was too much of an epic fail to not share.

Before I get into the whole thing, lemme add another Tinder tip: If you like someone, like really, really, super like them, you should totally “Super Like” them on Tinder (hit the heart button or swipe up). Here’s the thing, if you do the usual swipe right, they get the chance to swipe right for you if you meet their age, gender, and distance specifics. But, if say, they live 50 miles from you and have their distance out to 45, they won’t ever see your pretty little face. Don’t be sad, there is a solution! If you super like said person, they will receive a notification that someone, somewhere super liked them. If she happens to be an old broad in her thirties, like me, this is terribly exciting all on its own and also, then the person has the option of opening up their specifics until they find, and hopefully match, with the person who super liked them.

As you can guess, this is more of less what happened to me and this new girlfriend of mine. I feel weird to call her girlfriend on here since we have already done that, so I’m just gonna call her B. She’ll get it, you don’t have to. Just assume it stands for Babe or something ultra-romantic.

So there I was at ex-husband’s office trying to do some tax paperwork. We were officially divorced at the time, but as we weren’t for 2015, we had to kinda crunch some numbers and see what would work best for this year. Side note: ex-husband is more of a tinder expert than me. He’s been on there pretty consistently since August with a few stints off. I add that detail to establish that he is very well familiar with the Tinder notification sounds. When my phone started dinging he jumped all in about me having a match. When I opened the app I had no options, so I changed my age specifications to 18-55+ and the distance all the way to 100 miles. And then. BAM! Seriously. Hottest. Girl. Ever. Like ever. I honest to gawd lost my breath and flipped my phone around to show him. He made the face that I guess ex-husband’s make at their super gay ex-wives when they really start to get it and said, “Ummm… wow. She seems exactly like your type. Right?” Ummm... wow. She seems exactly like your type. Right-.jpgI nodded and quickly swiped right. When it came up as a match, I’m pretty sure I heard the sound slot machines make when all the winning is going down. I sat there for a few minutes deciding between just being totally lame and generic and just saying hi or being lamer and superficial and just telling her how gorgeous she is or something better than both that never happened. Before I could decide, she messaged ME. I thought about panicking, but she jumped right into talking about roller derby and it was easy and smooth and completely natural. Confession: I did all the things a true Tinder expert would advise you NOT to do. We jumped right in on exchanging last names and phone numbers and facebook and instagram and snapchat and yeah, basically all the things. In my defense I found her on facebook and instagram before she even gave me her last name I think. We did know mutual people and I felt like she was real. Also, I did not give her my address or social security number, so I have that going for me. Anyway that day was towards the beginning of April, and the facebooking, snapchatting, texting, and everything else hasn’t slowed down one tiny bit. We just started actually meeting in real life too. B lives about 2 hours away. So that super sucks, but we see each other basically as much as humanly possible for two moms with plenty of kid duties that far apart.

I’m feeling like this is already long enough, so I am just gonna leave you hanging and write the first date story next time. I don’t wanna rush through it. Spoiler alert: I’m a super embarrassing hot mess.

Cheers!

Look at Me: I’m a Tinder Expert

Remember back in the day when online dating was basically for the people who couldn’t get a date in real life? Or maybe that just sounds super bitchy and isn’t even how it was? I’m not entirely sure. But I do know that was my perception of online dating circa 2006. Hell, I am pretty sure that is still how it is for sites like eHarmony and Match and legit online dating sites. (Farmer’s Only, anyone?…) Well, that and people who are really, really wanting a real-thing relationship and want something super specific and have the time and desire to fill out a 5 hour questionnaire. Gawd.

Maybe I have dateless potential too. I totally took the time to fill out the entire questionnaire for some such site, only to realize a half-ass shot at someone else’s idea of true love wasn’t worth the easy monthly payment of $19.95 to me. Give me free shit or give me death. On to Plenty of Fish and Tinder. Plus… easy apps and swiping is really quite fun. Or it is for the exhilarating 3 minutes I got being a woman searching women in Bumblefuck, Idaho.

My actual thoughts as I swiped on Tinder the first time: Friend, nah, ex, derby girl,threesome, facebook friend, ex’s ex, nah, nah, threesome, friend, derby girl, threesome, derby girl, nah, nah, nah, time’s up. My quick clarifications on that are this: There is nothing wrong with dating a derby girl. I find it preferable. However, if it is a derby girl I have crossed paths with before via my team or another team nearby, we had our shot as far as i am concerned. Little cupids in fishnets and booty shorts would have shot arrows a long time ago. Or something like that. And more than likely we are facebook friends anyway and thus would have hit me up already. Right?.. I mean, why would you swipe right for someone you already have contact with? Which explains “facebook friend” too. As for “threesome?” Here’s the thing: I am not sure where a mostly straight girl is supposed to go for a live toy for her and her man. But for women searching only women, it’s super appalling, gross, and annoying. Or at least it is to me.

Anyway, so after all that fun swiping, I thought, “well, hell, maybe I’m too specific too.” I changed the age from 27-43 to the full 18-55+, and the mileage went from 20 miles to 100. All I can say about that is, there are a hell of a lot more women in the 18-26 range than the 44-55+ range that I was skipping over. And not skipping them over made me feel like an old perv. So… tinder was fun for roughly 1-4 minutes a day for almost a week. Good stuff.

With all that time invested, I’m basically an expert, so here are my online dating tips for Tinder and Plenty of Fish. For lesbians. Specifically lesbians in small communities.

  1. Use your own, actual, clear photo. I like cats and books and beaches. But if you use all pics of cats and books and beaches, I promise you I think that you are hiding. Either you aren’t actually single, or you aren’t actually looking, maybe just creeping, or possibly the least attractive person on the planet. Who has a better shot if i just know you are not conventionally attractive than if i think there is a decent chance that you are a weirdo creeper.
  2. Keep your babies out of your dating profiles. Seriously. I love parents, but just write “mom” in your profile. We all get that that words means you have a child or children. No need to post your kiddo in her elementary school t-shirt. Maybe not ALL the photo-less people are creepers, but I am positive some are.
  3. If there is no possible way that you could be attracted to someone, swipe left. Seems like a no-brainer, but I promise you that deleting a “meh, maybe,” kind of person is way more awkward than just swiping left to begin with.
  4. Keep your facebook profile as secret or public and as you would want a stranger-but-potential-dating-partner to see. I promise you, especially in small communities, people have mutual friends and it is super easy to facebook stalk someone you didn’t know existed 5 minutes ago. Maybe not everyone does this, but i assure you that i do, and it’s really simple.
  5. Go for it. Have fun. And be kind.Just me, 1 mile away.png

Cheers!

 

A Thankful Goodbye

Sometimes in a relationship, a hundred things could be totally right, but if 5 big things are totally wrong, it just might not work. Such is the story of me and the one commonly known on this little blog as “Girlfriend.” In fact, at this particular moment, “Girlfriend” hasn’t been my girlfriend for almost a month and a half. I have posted several things since our breakup, including A Little Bit Country. I wasn’t trying to hide that sometimes relationships fail. Basically anyone who’s had one ever knows that. My reason was two part: A. There was a very small possibility of a reunion. And B. honestly, I just didn’t know what the fuck to say.

I despise airing my own dirty laundry and don’t enjoy when other people do it either. At the same time, most of us live so publicly, people know who other people date, when, where, and even how. So when shit goes south, it’s tricky to  pretend they never existed. I can’t just delete every post in which she was referenced and be like, “What?… Who?…” That was a real relationship with real love, and real value, and real experiences. I acknowledge that. But now it has come to a close and I acknowledge that too.

There is no need to get into the “dirty laundry” portion. You already know. We had some rad times and some bad times. We fought, and argued, and said shitty things, and cried about it. Repeatedly. She did  always said we’d never make it. The first girlfriend is never the last. Maybe she was right. I don’t know. My romantic heart hopes she’s wrong, but who’s to say?

Guys, the thing is, no matter how much I sometimes wanted to totally punch her in the face, that relationship was important – and extra important for me. She found me sort of by accident right when I was newly separated and ready (for the first time ever) to openly date women (and so freaking excited about that.) She let me explore and she genuinely seemed to enjoy watching fresh-outta-the-closet me discover every friggin’ lesbian cliché possible. She was also there when I called my mom and let me cry after my mom cried. She set up play dates for my littles with lesbian mamas. She told me that yes I could keep blogging all my fashion and mommy blog things and have a lesbian blog. For all of this and more I will always appreciate her.  I hope we really do remain friends. She was not the girl for me, but she definitely helped me become the girl I’m meant to be and I wish her the best in all she ever does. Even if she never takes a chance on the “new girl” ever again. 😉

Cheers!

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Derby Practice/Reunion

Ah man, for the first time in quite some time, I am SO excited for roller derby practice. I currently belong to a little league with a whole lot of drama and not a lot of support. I’m not 100% sure why we can’t pull our shit together for 12 consecutive months, but we can’t. That’s that. I could point a finger and blame this person or this leader, but what good would it do? It’s a team. And you are only as strong as your weakest link…. or something like that.

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My girls Patch, Syn and Rosco, with me, #104

I think the heart of it, the heart of any successful derby league, is good ol’ derby love. There is debate within the derby community on whether this should be more team-like or more familial and, honestly, both sides have fair points. The real point is just love. A posse of women of all ages and sizes, supporting and encouraging each other through something that is physically taxing. Somehow that support then reaches into corners of the women’s off track lives, even if unintentionally. Derby girls are fierce. They are powerful. They are also flawed and human. Sometimes that power and competitive nature comes out against one’s own teammates. Sometimes it manifests only in healthy, on-track ways. The greats, are tough beasts on the track that will knock anyone in their way on their ass. They train hard, scrimmage hard, and challenge themselves and their teammates without tearing either down. Once the bout is over, they hug skaters from both teams, pose for photos, expand their ever-growing derby family and get ready for the after party. God damn, derby can be such a beautiful thing.

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Post Bout Photo with the Opposing Team and All Officals

Alas, my own team seems to barely be limping along. It has been one of the biggest aspects of my life for two years. Whether practicing, bouting, volunteering, training, socializing, or supporting, these were my people. I did things i had no idea my body could do. My teammates did too. We all celebrated together. I sweat more than a person would like to admit. They just took pictures and gave me high fives. They were there there for my 30th birthday and took me to a drag show.

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Dressed up for a drag show. Rosco, Action Jackson, me, and Power Bottom

They were there when I just barely came out as a big ol’ gay girl this summer. We went to what is possibly the world’s smallest Pride in a small Idaho town just 30 miles away. We had a blast. One of my teammates and friends also came out this summer. She went too. We were a team. Friends. Family. Support. Hell, a few of the teammates were even lovers. 😉

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Little Tiny Baby Pride with Jilly, me, Kitty, Shots, Rosco and Dirty Dani

Those times seem to be over. Or at least on hold. With moves, injuries, new lives, marriages, babies, derby rosters have a lot of turnover. Or at least ours does. We are down to a feeble few. Tonight though, one of my dearest friends and my derby wife is coming to skate. Quite a few of the OG’s are making an appearance. It’s gonna be glorious. If nothign else, I will feel like I have a team. There will be women there who just love each other and who love to skate. I. Am. So. Excited.

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Roller Derby is Rad. That’s me in the gold helmet.