Look at Me: I’m a Tinder Expert

Remember back in the day when online dating was basically for the people who couldn’t get a date in real life? Or maybe that just sounds super bitchy and isn’t even how it was? I’m not entirely sure. But I do know that was my perception of online dating circa 2006. Hell, I am pretty sure that is still how it is for sites like eHarmony and Match and legit online dating sites. (Farmer’s Only, anyone?…) Well, that and people who are really, really wanting a real-thing relationship and want something super specific and have the time and desire to fill out a 5 hour questionnaire. Gawd.

Maybe I have dateless potential too. I totally took the time to fill out the entire questionnaire for some such site, only to realize a half-ass shot at someone else’s idea of true love wasn’t worth the easy monthly payment of $19.95 to me. Give me free shit or give me death. On to Plenty of Fish and Tinder. Plus… easy apps and swiping is really quite fun. Or it is for the exhilarating 3 minutes I got being a woman searching women in Bumblefuck, Idaho.

My actual thoughts as I swiped on Tinder the first time: Friend, nah, ex, derby girl,threesome, facebook friend, ex’s ex, nah, nah, threesome, friend, derby girl, threesome, derby girl, nah, nah, nah, time’s up. My quick clarifications on that are this: There is nothing wrong with dating a derby girl. I find it preferable. However, if it is a derby girl I have crossed paths with before via my team or another team nearby, we had our shot as far as i am concerned. Little cupids in fishnets and booty shorts would have shot arrows a long time ago. Or something like that. And more than likely we are facebook friends anyway and thus would have hit me up already. Right?.. I mean, why would you swipe right for someone you already have contact with? Which explains “facebook friend” too. As for “threesome?” Here’s the thing: I am not sure where a mostly straight girl is supposed to go for a live toy for her and her man. But for women searching only women, it’s super appalling, gross, and annoying. Or at least it is to me.

Anyway, so after all that fun swiping, I thought, “well, hell, maybe I’m too specific too.” I changed the age from 27-43 to the full 18-55+, and the mileage went from 20 miles to 100. All I can say about that is, there are a hell of a lot more women in the 18-26 range than the 44-55+ range that I was skipping over. And not skipping them over made me feel like an old perv. So… tinder was fun for roughly 1-4 minutes a day for almost a week. Good stuff.

With all that time invested, I’m basically an expert, so here are my online dating tips for Tinder and Plenty of Fish. For lesbians. Specifically lesbians in small communities.

  1. Use your own, actual, clear photo. I like cats and books and beaches. But if you use all pics of cats and books and beaches, I promise you I think that you are hiding. Either you aren’t actually single, or you aren’t actually looking, maybe just creeping, or possibly the least attractive person on the planet. Who has a better shot if i just know you are not conventionally attractive than if i think there is a decent chance that you are a weirdo creeper.
  2. Keep your babies out of your dating profiles. Seriously. I love parents, but just write “mom” in your profile. We all get that that words means you have a child or children. No need to post your kiddo in her elementary school t-shirt. Maybe not ALL the photo-less people are creepers, but I am positive some are.
  3. If there is no possible way that you could be attracted to someone, swipe left. Seems like a no-brainer, but I promise you that deleting a “meh, maybe,” kind of person is way more awkward than just swiping left to begin with.
  4. Keep your facebook profile as secret or public and as you would want a stranger-but-potential-dating-partner to see. I promise you, especially in small communities, people have mutual friends and it is super easy to facebook stalk someone you didn’t know existed 5 minutes ago. Maybe not everyone does this, but i assure you that i do, and it’s really simple.
  5. Go for it. Have fun. And be kind.Just me, 1 mile away.png