Last time I told you all about how I was a boss ass bitch at Tinder. Now I get to prove it, because guess what, I went on a date with a total stranger that I met on the app. And guess what else; She is totally real and didn’t murder me or anything. #winning
If you don’t happen to know me in real life, I’ll cut to the chase. We’re still dating. It’s actually been over a month and half or so now. But she is more of a private-facebook-and-instagram-profiles-and-really-no-other-social-media kind of girl, so I have been maintaining and respecting her privacy the very best I can. (PS this is really effing hard bc I am addicted to social media, taking pictures, writing, AND talking.) That said, you guys, my attempt at trying to have a nice, cool, impressive date with a really captivating woman was too much of an epic fail to not share.
Before I get into the whole thing, lemme add another Tinder tip: If you like someone, like really, really, super like them, you should totally “Super Like” them on Tinder (hit the heart button or swipe up). Here’s the thing, if you do the usual swipe right, they get the chance to swipe right for you if you meet their age, gender, and distance specifics. But, if say, they live 50 miles from you and have their distance out to 45, they won’t ever see your pretty little face. Don’t be sad, there is a solution! If you super like said person, they will receive a notification that someone, somewhere super liked them. If she happens to be an old broad in her thirties, like me, this is terribly exciting all on its own and also, then the person has the option of opening up their specifics until they find, and hopefully match, with the person who super liked them.
As you can guess, this is more of less what happened to me and this new girlfriend of mine. I feel weird to call her girlfriend on here since we have already done that, so I’m just gonna call her B. She’ll get it, you don’t have to. Just assume it stands for Babe or something ultra-romantic.
So there I was at ex-husband’s office trying to do some tax paperwork. We were officially divorced at the time, but as we weren’t for 2015, we had to kinda crunch some numbers and see what would work best for this year. Side note: ex-husband is more of a tinder expert than me. He’s been on there pretty consistently since August with a few stints off. I add that detail to establish that he is very well familiar with the Tinder notification sounds. When my phone started dinging he jumped all in about me having a match. When I opened the app I had no options, so I changed my age specifications to 18-55+ and the distance all the way to 100 miles. And then. BAM! Seriously. Hottest. Girl. Ever. Like ever. I honest to gawd lost my breath and flipped my phone around to show him. He made the face that I guess ex-husband’s make at their super gay ex-wives when they really start to get it and said, “Ummm… wow. She seems exactly like your type. Right?” I nodded and quickly swiped right. When it came up as a match, I’m pretty sure I heard the sound slot machines make when all the winning is going down. I sat there for a few minutes deciding between just being totally lame and generic and just saying hi or being lamer and superficial and just telling her how gorgeous she is or something better than both that never happened. Before I could decide, she messaged ME. I thought about panicking, but she jumped right into talking about roller derby and it was easy and smooth and completely natural. Confession: I did all the things a true Tinder expert would advise you NOT to do. We jumped right in on exchanging last names and phone numbers and facebook and instagram and snapchat and yeah, basically all the things. In my defense I found her on facebook and instagram before she even gave me her last name I think. We did know mutual people and I felt like she was real. Also, I did not give her my address or social security number, so I have that going for me. Anyway that day was towards the beginning of April, and the facebooking, snapchatting, texting, and everything else hasn’t slowed down one tiny bit. We just started actually meeting in real life too. B lives about 2 hours away. So that super sucks, but we see each other basically as much as humanly possible for two moms with plenty of kid duties that far apart.
I’m feeling like this is already long enough, so I am just gonna leave you hanging and write the first date story next time. I don’t wanna rush through it. Spoiler alert: I’m a super embarrassing hot mess.