That Time I Won Tinder

Last time I told you all about how I was a boss ass bitch at Tinder. Now I get to prove it, because guess what, I went on a date with a total stranger that I met on the app. And guess what else; She is totally real and didn’t murder me or anything. #winning

If you don’t happen to know me in real life, I’ll cut to the chase. We’re still dating. It’s actually been over a month and half or so now. But she is more of a private-facebook-and-instagram-profiles-and-really-no-other-social-media kind of girl, so I have been maintaining and respecting her privacy the very best I can. (PS this is really effing hard bc I am addicted to social media, taking pictures, writing, AND talking.) That said, you guys, my attempt at trying to have a nice, cool, impressive date with a really captivating woman was too much of an epic fail to not share.

Before I get into the whole thing, lemme add another Tinder tip: If you like someone, like really, really, super like them, you should totally “Super Like” them on Tinder (hit the heart button or swipe up). Here’s the thing, if you do the usual swipe right, they get the chance to swipe right for you if you meet their age, gender, and distance specifics. But, if say, they live 50 miles from you and have their distance out to 45, they won’t ever see your pretty little face. Don’t be sad, there is a solution! If you super like said person, they will receive a notification that someone, somewhere super liked them. If she happens to be an old broad in her thirties, like me, this is terribly exciting all on its own and also, then the person has the option of opening up their specifics until they find, and hopefully match, with the person who super liked them.

As you can guess, this is more of less what happened to me and this new girlfriend of mine. I feel weird to call her girlfriend on here since we have already done that, so I’m just gonna call her B. She’ll get it, you don’t have to. Just assume it stands for Babe or something ultra-romantic.

So there I was at ex-husband’s office trying to do some tax paperwork. We were officially divorced at the time, but as we weren’t for 2015, we had to kinda crunch some numbers and see what would work best for this year. Side note: ex-husband is more of a tinder expert than me. He’s been on there pretty consistently since August with a few stints off. I add that detail to establish that he is very well familiar with the Tinder notification sounds. When my phone started dinging he jumped all in about me having a match. When I opened the app I had no options, so I changed my age specifications to 18-55+ and the distance all the way to 100 miles. And then. BAM! Seriously. Hottest. Girl. Ever. Like ever. I honest to gawd lost my breath and flipped my phone around to show him. He made the face that I guess ex-husband’s make at their super gay ex-wives when they really start to get it and said, “Ummm… wow. She seems exactly like your type. Right?” I nodded and quickly swiped right. When it came up as a match, I’m pretty sure I heard the sound slot machines make when all the winning is going down. I sat there for a few minutes deciding between just being totally lame and generic and just saying hi or being lamer and superficial and just telling her how gorgeous she is or something better than both that never happened. Before I could decide, she messaged ME. I thought about panicking, but she jumped right into talking about roller derby and it was easy and smooth and completely natural. Confession: I did all the things a true Tinder expert would advise you NOT to do. We jumped right in on exchanging last names and phone numbers and facebook and instagram and snapchat and yeah, basically all the things. In my defense I found her on facebook and instagram before she even gave me her last name I think. We did know mutual people and I felt like she was real. Also, I did not give her my address or social security number, so I have that going for me. Anyway that day was towards the beginning of April, and the facebooking, snapchatting, texting, and everything else hasn’t slowed down one tiny bit. We just started actually meeting in real life too. B lives about 2 hours away. So that super sucks, but we see each other basically as much as humanly possible for two moms with plenty of kid duties that far apart.

I’m feeling like this is already long enough, so I am just gonna leave you hanging and write the first date story next time. I don’t wanna rush through it. Spoiler alert: I’m a super embarrassing hot mess.

Cheers!

Look at Me: I’m a Tinder Expert

Remember back in the day when online dating was basically for the people who couldn’t get a date in real life? Or maybe that just sounds super bitchy and isn’t even how it was? I’m not entirely sure. But I do know that was my perception of online dating circa 2006. Hell, I am pretty sure that is still how it is for sites like eHarmony and Match and legit online dating sites. (Farmer’s Only, anyone?…) Well, that and people who are really, really wanting a real-thing relationship and want something super specific and have the time and desire to fill out a 5 hour questionnaire. Gawd.

Maybe I have dateless potential too. I totally took the time to fill out the entire questionnaire for some such site, only to realize a half-ass shot at someone else’s idea of true love wasn’t worth the easy monthly payment of $19.95 to me. Give me free shit or give me death. On to Plenty of Fish and Tinder. Plus… easy apps and swiping is really quite fun. Or it is for the exhilarating 3 minutes I got being a woman searching women in Bumblefuck, Idaho.

My actual thoughts as I swiped on Tinder the first time: Friend, nah, ex, derby girl,threesome, facebook friend, ex’s ex, nah, nah, threesome, friend, derby girl, threesome, derby girl, nah, nah, nah, time’s up. My quick clarifications on that are this: There is nothing wrong with dating a derby girl. I find it preferable. However, if it is a derby girl I have crossed paths with before via my team or another team nearby, we had our shot as far as i am concerned. Little cupids in fishnets and booty shorts would have shot arrows a long time ago. Or something like that. And more than likely we are facebook friends anyway and thus would have hit me up already. Right?.. I mean, why would you swipe right for someone you already have contact with? Which explains “facebook friend” too. As for “threesome?” Here’s the thing: I am not sure where a mostly straight girl is supposed to go for a live toy for her and her man. But for women searching only women, it’s super appalling, gross, and annoying. Or at least it is to me.

Anyway, so after all that fun swiping, I thought, “well, hell, maybe I’m too specific too.” I changed the age from 27-43 to the full 18-55+, and the mileage went from 20 miles to 100. All I can say about that is, there are a hell of a lot more women in the 18-26 range than the 44-55+ range that I was skipping over. And not skipping them over made me feel like an old perv. So… tinder was fun for roughly 1-4 minutes a day for almost a week. Good stuff.

With all that time invested, I’m basically an expert, so here are my online dating tips for Tinder and Plenty of Fish. For lesbians. Specifically lesbians in small communities.

1. Use your own, actual, clear photo. I like cats and books and beaches. But if you use all pics of cats and books and beaches, I promise you I think that you are hiding. Either you aren’t actually single, or you aren’t actually looking, maybe just creeping, or possibly the least attractive person on the planet. Who has a better shot if i just know you are not conventionally attractive than if i think there is a decent chance that you are a weirdo creeper.
2. Keep your babies out of your dating profiles. Seriously. I love parents, but just write “mom” in your profile. We all get that that words means you have a child or children. No need to post your kiddo in her elementary school t-shirt. Maybe not ALL the photo-less people are creepers, but I am positive some are.
3. If there is no possible way that you could be attracted to someone, swipe left. Seems like a no-brainer, but I promise you that deleting a “meh, maybe,” kind of person is way more awkward than just swiping left to begin with.
4. Keep your facebook profile as secret or public and as you would want a stranger-but-potential-dating-partner to see. I promise you, especially in small communities, people have mutual friends and it is super easy to facebook stalk someone you didn’t know existed 5 minutes ago. Maybe not everyone does this, but i assure you that i do, and it’s really simple.
5. Go for it. Have fun. And be kind.

Cheers!